The Coach Approach

How To Fight Fair In Important Relationships

MOST relationships are important for one reason or another.

Maybe you care about someone in an intimate relationship. Your relationships with your parents and your kids are probably important as well as your relationships with friends. And then there are your professional relationships - how you get along with coworkers, vendors, bosses, and other professionals impacts your ability to succeed and how much you enjoy your work - among other things.

Since we don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements.

Disagreements can be highly toxic and damaging to these important relationships, even destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

Before You Complain Over Someone's Head - Try This

I answer questions over at AllExperts.com on work group relationships.  My single most frequent question is how to deal with difficult coworkers and bosses.  And the single most common inclination is to take the issue over someone's head and to complain to a higher level.

This is not a good STARTING point for common complaints and conflicts!  When you have a problem with a boss or a coworker, speak to the person who can most easily fix it - the person you have the problem with.  Here are a few tips for having that necessary conversation.

• Do it one on one
• Start with the facts and just the facts - "Remember at the meeting yesterday when I suggested that..."
• Add your perception - "I thought/felt/noticed that you rolled your eyes."
• Describe the impact the action had on YOU - "It made me think that you were discrediting my input."
• Listen
• Make a request - "The next time you feel uninspired when I am speaking at a meeting, would you mind giving me some useful input?"
• Create accountability by asking this question, "If this comes up in the future, how would you like me to handle it with you?"
• Find something to appreciate - thank the person for their time, honesty, sharing their perspective, clarifying etc.   Note to self: If you can't find SOMETHING to appreciate YOU are probably being too hard on the other person in the conversation.

The direct conversation takes a little more courage but builds better work relationships.  Think about the idle office gossip that could be eliminated if more people took constructive action.

Success Tool: Mental Journey to Millions Live!

I was able to jump on a plane at the last minute Thursday night to accept the invitation I received from Thach Nguyen to attend his program Mental Journey to Millions Live! in Irvine, California.  While I was grateful to receive the invitation a couple of weeks ago, it didn't appear that I would be able to attend because of a previous commitment AND I had an intuition that I would be going.  My intuition was correct.  There were some changes to the program I was delivering at San Jose State University and I just said, "Yes" to the opportunity to hear and support Thach and his co-leader Matthew Ferry.  Not surprisingly, when I saw Thach Friday night what did he say?  "I always knew you would be here."  Sometimes when I am creating and connecting with others, it feels a little magical.  This was one of those times.

So the program - this is a great jump start if you have been putting off creating, living, and/or working from your vision and values.  Ferry's energy and entertainment value are over the top.  Thach is a humble, funny, fountain of wisdom and experience.  The two put on an energizing performance complete with giant visual graphics and inspirational music.  Here is a short summary of the highlights.

Success Tip: Eight Steps to Manifesting

Last week, after receiving an invitation from Thach Nguyen to his Mental Journey to Millions Seminar Live in Irvine, California coming up this weekend, I enjoyed reviewing some of the YouTube video clips he and Matthew Ferry have posted on their site.  I enjoyed their "Eights Steps to Manifesting" as so much of it is about relationship, relationship, relationship.  Like I always say - ALL business is relationship business!

Here are the eight steps. 

Forget Right and Wrong

Laura Whitworth, one of the founders of the industry of coaching, founder of The Bigger Game, founder of The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, creator of the CTI Global Leadership training program and author of Co-Active Coaching: New Skills for Coaching People Toward Success in Work and, Life, left this planet on February 28, 2007 after a long battle with lung cancer.  She was a coach, a friend, a mentor and an inspiration to me in the few years that I knew her.  Laura, like the master coach that she was, asked the best questions.  And although it was several years ago, I still remember one of the greatest gifts of wisdom she gave to me in a coaching session sitting on the beach in Santa Cruz, California.

Laura was coaching me on an entrenched conflict in my personal life, a relationship that had gone bad and become polarized into good and bad, right and wrong. 

Revealing Creates Connection - Tag

Apparently there is a game of tag going around the blogosphere to which I have been completely obliviously and nevertheless have been tagged by blogger Kent Blumberg over at his leadership blog to reveal "Five Things You Might Not Know About Me."  To be honest, I am not a big fan of games.  However, I am a big fan of creating connection. In The Coach Approach to Leadership and Management program we present at The Coach Approach, we hold a stake that revealing and transparency are key leadership skills that connect people in organizations.

So to honor Kent's tag and in the interest of creating connection, here are five things you might not know about me:

Success Tip: Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate

Yeah, I know Thanksgiving (here in the US) was more than a week ago but I was busy with my family and missed the opportunity to speak to one of my favorite topics - appreciation.  Appreciation is a powerful force which stimulates creativity, generates positive energy, and infuses the environment with possibilities.

The three A's are:

• Appreciate Yourself
• Appreciate What Is
• Appreciate Others

Try this exercise for 21 days in a row and tell me what is different on the 22nd day.  I can make some guarantees but would prefer to let you explore your own path if you so choose.

Invest in Relationships or Pay the Price Later

Hearing a lot lately about the value of time and some complaints about there not being enough of it to go around.  Well, I am not going to say a word about time management because that is not my expertise.  I do however want to share a perspective on time as an investment opportunity in building relationships both personally and professionally.

Secrets of Successful Relationships

I did a couple of workshops last month on Conflict Evolution in the work place and then last week did a workshop for the parent community where three of my children attend school here in San Francisco at Schools of the Sacred Heart.  It is interesting to me, although not surprising, that people everywhere have the same questions and concerns about relationships whether business, personal or intimate.

Anyway, I got several requests for copies of my notes, my cheat sheet on secrets of successful relationships so I thought I would share here.  It is longer than a regular post but I think you will find it quite useful.

The secrets........

Success Tip: More on Friends at Work

Kent Blumberg commented on my article yesterday and pointed me to some compelling research on the positive impact of connecting and creating friendships at work.  Kent, thanks for the evidence.

Check out his post on friends at work.

All the best,

Lora
lora@TheCoachApproach.net
The Coach Approach, LLC