The Coach Approach

3 REALLY Simple Steps to Being Happier in 2010

3 REALLY Simple Steps to Being Happier in 2010

 New Year's Resolutions.  66% of all American adults make them.  Why?  Because we have the idea that being thinner, wealthier, in a relationship or hitting a career milestone will make us feel happier.  We are partly right.  Changing bad habits into constructive habits generally makes us feel better.  Achieving a goal we set for ourselves makes us feel better.  But will we be happier then, some time in the future when we master the challenge we have set for ourselves?

That is a big question.  You could spend your whole life trying to figure out exactly how to be happier.  I have. Happiness is the ultimate endgame.  It is what we all want - quite simply - to feel better more of the time.  Not a destination.  Not a place where we can arrive.  If you're like me, you'd like to feel better, happier, more of the time starting right now - not 20 pounds from now or two promotions from now.

So why wait until you achieve your goals or resolutions?  You don't need to.  If you want to be happier this year than you were last year, think about two things - adding more joy to your current life equation and increasing your capacity for happiness in the future - sort of like flexing your "happiness" muscle.  Here's how.

Pick the low hanging fruit.  What do you know for sure that increases your feelings of well being? Whatever it is, do more of it.  Exercise, spending time with friends, a nap or a hobby.  Add more data points of positivity into your weekly schedule.  Odd as it may seem, I've found a number of clients who don't really seem to know what - specifically - they find enjoyable.  If that is you, try keeping a log over a week or so by noticing when you feel good and jotting down what is behind the good feeling.  You might be surprised at some of the simple ways to add more positivity when you really notice yourself.  I did this last summer and was surprised to notice that it didn't take fine wine, good friends and endless hours of leisure.  I noticed that getting out into the sunshine, short walks, and playing with my puppy would all amplify my feelings of well being.

Use positive language.  Energy flows where attention goes.  One of the ways we focus our attention is in the way we talk- to others and maybe more importantly to our selves in our own heads.  Practice using positive, affirmative language EVERY chance you get.  I can almost hear the moans now, "Oh no, not more of the positive thinking crap."  No.  Not more of that.  Your brain is a fabulous bio computer.  It will work very hard to prove you right no matter what input you give it.  If you look around your work environment for instance and say to yourself, "Oh what a treacherous place to work," out of all the billions of data points in your environment, your mind is going to select out the ones that will justify your statement to yourself and make you right.  On the other hand, when you speak in the positive in both your internal and external dialog, your mind will be your ally.  It will select out more of the positive data points and you will experience more positive feelings.  The best way to develop this skill is in chunks of time.  Try it for an hour, a day, at an office meeting, at the dinner table.  Just choose a chunk of time, try it and notice what works.

Indulge in dreaming.  Take the lid off your dreams.  Forget being practical and realistic and planning and knowing how.  Exercise your dreaming muscle.  Think about the ideal - the ideal job, the ideal relationship, the ideal living space without any parameters.  All you need to do is hang out with your thoughts about what is ideal.  If you need to question yourself, simply ask - "What will having that get me?"  Follow the thread.  How will this make you happier?  By pointing you in the direction of what YOU really, REALLY want.  Goals that are intrinsically motivated, that come from our deepest desires are ultimately the most satisfying.  The only way to achieve them, the first step and a big step, is figuring out what exactly they are.

For more on strategies and tactics for a happier 2010, check out the book - The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun  just released by Gretchen Rubin of the blog by the same name.

Photo by fspugna.

Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work for Smart People and What to Do About It

With the mega success of the hit movie, "The Secret," I assume just about everybody has been exposed to the wildly popular idea of positive thinking.  Not a new concept in the field of personal development and success psychology but the movie put a spin on it referring to it as the Law of Attraction (LOA) - claiming some ancient roots and basically that what you think about you will attract like a magnet, either good or bad.

Hordes of followers were energized by the movie and who wouldn't be?  All I have to do is think about something - like a little red bicycle - and I will get it.  LOA gurus and coaches sprung up everywhere to help the masses work the program.  Think about something with all your might and it will be created.

Still others pointed out the caveat - you have to BELIEVE that you already "be, do, or have" the object of your desires.  And here is where it all falls apart for smart people.  They can't convince themselves of something that is not empirically true in their perception.  They refuse to fool themselves when they take some pride their intellect, rational thinking and perhaps education.

The fact is people who think positively do have greater success, better health and more satisfying relationships.  (If you need to be convinced, see the work of Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D.)  How then is a smart, thinking person supposed to convince herself of something other than the thoughts served up by her marvelous brain?

Well here is what we know from the available science.

1)  You can't create a "believable" positive thought by turning a negative thought upside down.  For instance, if you feel like you are suffering under a pile of debt from a real estate deal gone bad, you are going to have a heck of time trying to sell the affirmation, "I feel ease and abundance in my ever increasing wealth" to your head.  Your affirmation will be met with resistance, judgment, and a challenge to the truthfulness.  The little voice inside your head will likely reply, "Who you trying to kid?  Done any math lately?  Negative net worth is a far cry from wealth.  You know that.  You have an MBA for God's sakes.  Wake up and smell the coffee.  You're in trouble and no amount of magical thinking is going to get you out of it Bozo."

2)  Instead, identify a new empowering belief that would address the same issue, create a similar desired outcome that doesn't rely on the old language.  In this example, you would avoid the words money, debt, wealth etc.  You might try, "I am more than capable of finding solutions and opportunities in the current circumstances."  This will allow you to create more positive and resourceful thoughts without triggering your prudent self to set you straight on subjective reality and the facts.

3)  Look for real world evidence to support your positive thought.  This is particularly useful when you have constructed an exaggerated negative perception of an event.  I once coached a client through a series of job transitions during the boom and bust of the dot com era.  Every time his employment came to an end, he was convinced his career was over and that he would never be gainfully employed again.  Now this smart guy was not terminated from a series of positions, in fact one position ended because he sold his company for a very nice profit.  Yet he was convinced that somehow he was a fraud and wouldn't work again.  When we looked at the evidence, I pointed out that EVERY single time he transitioned, he got every thing he wanted in a new position and MORE.  He had good evidence to believe that his next position would be even more fulfilling than the last.  He just needed to see the evidence.

4)  And what if the evidence just isn't there.  No matter how hard you look, you can't find the facts to support a positive angle.  What then?  The trick here is to de-escalate the meaning and implications you are attaching to the event.  You lost your job.  Does that mean that you will NEVER work again?  No.  It doesn't.  You did a bad real estate deal and are saddled with a mountain of debt.  Does that mean that you are a complete failure?  No.  It doesn't.  Does it mean that you will never be successful again?  No.  It doesn't.  Strip away as much as you can of the catastrophic thinking by getting clear on how likely it is that you are looking at the worst case scenario.  Again, look for evidence here.

5)  Finally, if you work through the steps above and land squarely back on the negative belief.  Worse yet, you've gone through the process and found even more evidence to support it.  What then?  The question to ask yourself is - "This may be true now but can it be changed?"  If so, how?  Where it can be changed, this will lead you to constructive action and the opportunity to create new evidence for a more positive and resourceful belief.

Photo Courtesy of critical thinking asylum.

The Happiness Equation - Yes, There IS an Equation

For the left-brained, analytical, thinking over feeling among us - myself included along with most of my clients - it may come as a bit of a surprise that there is actually a formula, a scientific and well researched formula, for that sometimes aloof and elusive state we refer to as "happiness."  Not "the secret" or the shortcut or the step by step process but a mathematical equation.  I LOVE this idea!  And here it is:

H = S + C + V

According to Dr. Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness and numerous other books on the subject, enduring happiness (H) is a function of our happiness set point (S) combined with our life circumstances (C) and factors under our voluntary control (V).

Your enduring level of happiness is distinct from momentary happiness.  Momentary happiness can be increased by any number of pleasant experiences - a glass of wine, a baby's smile or beautiful music. Enduring happiness is not simply a collection of pleasant experiences but your general, overall level of satisfaction and joy in life.  It might be characterized by how stoked you are about your day today and how much you look forward to your life in the future.

Your happiness set point (S) is primarily inherited from your biological parents and accounts for approximately 50% of your enduring happiness.  This is your sort of default level of happiness - all other things being equal - and can vary greatly between people.  Obviously, there is little you can do to change your genetics.

Life circumstances (C) account for about 10% of the equation.  Money, health, relationships, where you live, friends, negative life events and religion can all have an impact - either positive or negative. The good news is that many life circumstances can be positively influenced by your efforts.

But the really good news is that fully 40% of your enduring happiness depends on your ability to exercise the muscle of positive emotions.  Positive emotions are the byproduct of your way of thinking about things - past, present and future.  They include optimism, hope, joy, faith, trust, pride and satisfaction among others.  And here is where you have the leverage to create more sustainable and enduring happiness.  

So how do you develop this muscle?  Seligman suggests the ABCDE model of arguing with yourself when you have negative thoughts.  Think of it as a conversation you might have with a friend or when disputing a completely ludicrous accusation.  Next time you have a negative thought, try to apply this method and notice the difference.

A is for adversity.  Describe the negative event.  "Our teenage daughter had a party in our house over the weekend while we were out of town."

B is for belief.  What is your belief about the event?  "She has absolutely no respect for us.  She is headed for even more trouble.  How are we ever going to get control of her behavior?"

C is for Consequences.  Identify the impact or consequences for the event.  "I am furious with her for lying and disappointed in my husband for not managing things better in the past.  And I am overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to discipline a teenager."

D is for disputation.  Disputation is key.  This is where you point out what might be erroneous in your beliefs and consequences.  "Having a party while we are out of town is not a felony.  It doesn't mean she is a bad kid.  In fact, she is doing great in school and hey, didn't I try that trick once or twice on my parents?  I can't say I was 100% truthful with my parents either.  It is pretty normal for a teenager to test the boundaries."

E is for energization (Is that a word?).  Observe the energy that becomes available as you DISPUTE your negative beliefs.  "I am not interested in controlling her behavior.  I am interested in continuing to strengthen our relationship and build it during difficult times.  I also want her to learn to make good decisions, to be safe.  I am going to talk to her to communicate my disappointment and I am going to make sure she doesn't have the opportunity to make the same decision in the near future."

While 50% of your happiness level may be a function of heredity, some 40% is a function of how you think about things and then experience positive or negative emotions.  Why not spend the next week, the next day or the next hour exercising your positive emotion muscle?

Four Ways to Be Happier - About Your Past

No, we can't change history.  What's past is past.  But the past doesn't determine our ability to be happy now or in the future.  

See, the only place that the past exists is in our memory.  How we choose to remember the events and stories of our personal histories has a direct impact on how good we feel.  Fortunately, we are free to select and review the files of our memories under any lens that we choose.

I once had a mind bending conversation with my two sisters.  We were driving together to our family cabin in the Sierras comparing childhood stories.  We talked about old boyfriends, leaving home, marriage and having children when the conversation turned to our childhood.  I said something to the affect that I was glad that the tumultous years of our childhood were behind us and that our family could all enjoy being together during this phase of our life.  I spoke about the conflict, fear, and violence in our childhood home and about the relief of having passed through that phase of our lives.

To my complete surprise, my sister Penny who is just one year younger than me, said, "Where did you grow up?"  She went on to explain how she grew up in the most loving and ideal family, how she felt so loved and cared for.  Her childhood was filled with fun and adventure and a tremendous warmth and affection.  To which I replied, "Where did you grow up?  Disneyland?"

Point is, we grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances.  I tried to pull out selective data to convince her my perspective was correct.  "Don't you remember being afraid to go to sleep at night when mom and dad were fighting?"  Nope.  She didn't remember.  "Don't you remember the great vacation we had in Yosemite?" she replied.

Here is where the opportunity lies to be happier about our past - change they way you choose to remember the events of the past and you change the way you feel about them.  Why not write your personal history in a more positive light?  Here's how:

Be grateful.  All of your past experiences have made you who you are today.  When you dwell in the past, appreciate the events and circumstances that contributed to the richness, texture and depth of your life experience.  

Forgive.  Yes, this is a big one and easier said than done.  Dr. Everett Worthington, author of The Power of Forgiving has a proven 5-step process for forgiveness.  I can't find a good link to it at the moment but will post it here tomorrow.  Forgiveness reduces anger, stress, fear and a whole host of other negative emotions.  It is a gift to both the forgiver and the forgiven and releases you from toxic emotions rooted in yesteryear.

Amplify Positive Memories.  As you pull from the past, choose positive experiences rather than negative ones.  Processing negative experiences may be useful in psychotherapy - I don't know, not my area of expertise.  However, hanging out in your mind with your negative memories will decrease your feelings of well being in the present.  Why not choose the success of completing that triathalon or being accepted to a great college rather than the humliation of wetting your pants in the first grade? (yep, all three are in my memory banks)

Rewrite Your Personal History.  You can actually sit down and write a version of your personal history simply highlighting all of the great events of your past.  Try to stick to some semblance of fact.  If you embellish too much or try to put a positive spin on say a traumatic experience, you will find your mind busy judging and debating the details rather than relishing the positivity of the past.  And you don't have to actually write it down.  We tell our personal stories all the time and they reinforce how we think and feel about our past.  Choose the stories that reflect the the gems rather than the rocks and you will in effect, rewrite history - your history that is.

Photo courtesy of Monica's Dad

8 Criteria for Creating Even More Happiness in Your Life

 
Photo by outdoorsie
The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance.

~Victor Frankl

I am hard pressed right now to find anyone who is optimistic about the upcoming year except a few Internet marketers who are bombarding my inbox with messages claiming that they are not participating in any recession. 

Fear, dread, and anxiety won't change the economy, the stock market, or energy prices.  They just make you feel crummy no matter what is going on.  Worse yet, they jam your creative mechanisms and point your line of focus straight at problems rather than opportunities.

This is a time to be resourceful and to be resourceful, we need to clear our head of all the things we can't do anything about.  We need to really get that while we don't control our environment or the economy or our teenage son, we DO control our responses to these things.  Attitude and feeling good are a choice.  So why not choose to feel good and fully engage with your life this year, no matter what the circumstances?

 

Yes! You Can

Yes, you can feel better, make yourself happier.  In the best selling book, "Flow. The Psychology of Optimal Experience," psychology professor and researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi outlines the eight principles that are necessary to create happiness.  This is not another pseudo psychology self-help book but rather it is based on a decade's worth of research by the author and his team out of the University of Chicago. 

For you to enjoy yourself and feel happiness, engage in activities or tasks in such a way that at least one if not more of the following criteria are present.

1.  You feel you at least have a chance of completing it.  Notice you don't have to be supremely confident, just feel a possibility of completing it.  Don't choose something that is so easy it doesn't require you to stretch.  Too hard and you'll feel more struggle than satisfaction.

2.  You have the opportunity to concentrate.

3. The task has clear goals.

4.  You receive immediate feedback on your progress so you know whether or not you are on target to reach your goals.

5.  Deeply engage with the activity so that your mind pushes aside day to day worries and frustrations.  This is one reason why physical activities and sports are so effective at producing positive states.

6.  Exercise a sense of control over your actions.

7.  During the activity, your sense of self disappears.  Think back to the last time you saw a terrific movie and became completely engrossed in the story on the screen.

8.  Engage in an activity where your sense of time is altered. 

 

Organize the Chaos

The normal state of our mind is chaos.  Without something to occupy our time and our thoughts, most of us will default to worry or trying to solve a problem.  By engaging in activities that involve challenge, have clear goals and a way of obtaining feedback, we channel the normally chaotic workings of the mind in a constructive direction.  By using concentration and self directed skills, we push aside our worries to become fully engaged and lose all sense of time.  We create in essence a sense of flow, an allowing of a greater experience of happiness.

The really good news is the opportunities for flow are endless. Sports, dance, sex, reading, writing, painting, playing music, eating, building a Lego tower with a child.  Just about any activity can be transformed into a happiness producing experience by consciously employing some or more of these criteria.

 

Friday's Coaching Inquiry: Something to Think About

I've been thinking on this one alot lately myself.

What would you do if you knew, absolutely, that you would not fail?

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Photo by Diana Bella

My six-year-old daughter asked me:

Who made God?

How come they call a tree a "tree?"

What is the point of you?  The point of a towel is that it dries you off.

Friday's inquiry:  What is the point of you?

My apologies to email subscribers who received an unedited copy of this post yesterday.  I hit the wrong button while composing and was unable to retrieve from cyberspace.

 

Related Posts:

• Inquiring Mind Friday, October 31

• Inquiring Mind Friday, October 24

Personal Development Books - The Answer by John Assaraf

 

I was a true book-a-holic last month, plowing through four new books, repeat reading six old books and perusing three of the many books written by my office mate over the last ten years.  I cherish books and the learning at my fingertips. 

Not too long ago, when I longed for the time to finish even one new release - often settling for book summaries or spot reading on Amazon or in the book store.  If you are in that camp, or if you missed it recently, here is a summary of John Assaraf's, "The Answer."  Assaraf is one of the key contributors to the hit DVD, "The Secret."  He has built four multi-million dollar companies and is currently at work on his dream of building the largest franchising company of the world at OneCoach.

The book brings together neuroscience, coaching, positive psychology, self-motivation, and goal-setting with a dose of the spiritual if you will.  Below is a summary of the psychological and strategic concepts.  I've skipped the tactical business coaching that starts on page 173.  Even so, this post is fairly long.

"Discover what it is you are uniquely gifted to be and to do, then build your business and your life in ways that take maximum advantage of those aspects of yourself.  That is when life flows."

We know from the field of quantum physics that everything is energy - even things that look like solid matter, like a chair - are, the tiniest level, packets of energy.  Your thoughts are energy that create your physical world basically by broadcasting to the universe - kind of like a radio - what it is you are thinking about and desiring.  Some mysterious force makes sense of what you are broadcasting and brings it into your awareness or reality.  This is what some call the "Law of Attraction."

While it can't be scientifically proven, there is plenty of anecdotal evidence to support it.  Everything you desire is out in the ether waiting for your thoughts to resonate at the proper level to bring these good things into your life.  But how?  Harness the power of both your conscious and nonconscicous minds.

Your conscious brain has five levels of functioning.  They are will, memory, perception, reasoning, intuition, and imagination.  The most powerful of these is imagination which is where dreams and ideas are born.  However, to tap the power of the quantum universe, you have to train your subconscious mind and need both aspects to work together.  To do that, you use the following six step process.

1. Create a vision of what you want to achieve complete with sensory and emotional details.

2. Write down affirmations that fit the vision in your mind.

3. Feel the emotions of succeeding in this way by accessing memories of other times you have succeeded.  The author refers to this a "neural linking" and spends good deal of time explaining exactly how to do it.

4. Make a vision board of your dream.

5. Design and implement a daily routine to imprint the new beliefs on your subconscious mind three times per day, morning, noon and before bed.

6. Feed positive messages to your subconscious throughout the day via audio, video, affirmations or mediation.

The above technique is referred to as Neural Reconditioning and it is a rock solid method for self-motivation.  Chapter 8 provides a complete list of FAQ's for more information on the technique.

The balance of the book covers creating a vision for your business based on your passion, defining your ideal customer,innovating, and differentiating your business from your competitors.  All practical , specific and useful information!

I love the science although I don't know enough to be skeptical about it and I am fine with that.  The information on how to use your mind is useful with or without the science although the authors go to great lengths to provide the background and the science.  he book is an excellent balance of theory, explanation, and practical application.  After completing the exercises, you will have written a fairly comprehensive business and/or life plan based on your deepest passions. 

This is an excellent coaching book for people who need to understand a little more about the science behind visualization, a positive mental attitude and the relationship between thoughts, energy, and success.

Related Posts:

• A Recipe for Happiness

• Getting Started on Your Goals

• What Areas of Your Life Need Fresh Goals?

• Three Simple Tips to Help You Achieve Your Goals

• Improve Your Opportunities for Success with Laser-Like Focus

• Save Time and Energy by Visualizing Your Goals

• Stretch Your Dreaming Muscle

Life Coaching Tool: Friday's Inquiring Mind

 
Photo by crouchingcathiddendog

Something to contemplate over the weekend, or the week ahead.  Journal on it.  Discuss with a friend or just mentally chew on it a bit.

There are 61 days left in 2008.

Where is the best place to invest your energy for the rest of this year?

 

 

Related Posts

• Inquiring Mind Friday, Oct. 24, 2008

 

A Recipe for Happiness

Dustin Wax at Stepcase Lifehack asks, "What's it going to take to make you happy?" in his post by the same name earlier this month.  He makes some good points about what doesn't make people happy pointing out that there have been unhappy rich people, desperate smart people, and suicidal famous and beautiful people. We know then the answer is not money, brains, beauty or fame. 

The key to answering the question he says is "self-knowledge – facing the question of what it will take to be happy head on."  He is spot on.

Specifically, what makes YOU happy is living YOUR life according to what is most important to YOU.  It's different for everybody so there is no "formula" but there is a "recipe." 

The recipe is in the value or the meaning that you place on things.  Anyone can discover their own recipe for happiness by identifying their most deeply held values.  Once you know what they are, happiness is a byproduct of living in a way that moves toward those things that you value most and away from those that you don't.

How do you discover what's in your particular recipe?  You explore.  At The Coach Approach, all of our clients go through a lengthy values exploration with their coach.  Here is an overview of one of the processes we use.