The Coach Approach

How To Fight Fair In Important Relationships

MOST relationships are important for one reason or another.

Maybe you care about someone in an intimate relationship. Your relationships with your parents and your kids are probably important as well as your relationships with friends. And then there are your professional relationships - how you get along with coworkers, vendors, bosses, and other professionals impacts your ability to succeed and how much you enjoy your work - among other things.

Since we don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements.

Disagreements can be highly toxic and damaging to these important relationships, even destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

Before You Complain Over Someone's Head - Try This

I answer questions over at AllExperts.com on work group relationships.  My single most frequent question is how to deal with difficult coworkers and bosses.  And the single most common inclination is to take the issue over someone's head and to complain to a higher level.

This is not a good STARTING point for common complaints and conflicts!  When you have a problem with a boss or a coworker, speak to the person who can most easily fix it - the person you have the problem with.  Here are a few tips for having that necessary conversation.

• Do it one on one
• Start with the facts and just the facts - "Remember at the meeting yesterday when I suggested that..."
• Add your perception - "I thought/felt/noticed that you rolled your eyes."
• Describe the impact the action had on YOU - "It made me think that you were discrediting my input."
• Listen
• Make a request - "The next time you feel uninspired when I am speaking at a meeting, would you mind giving me some useful input?"
• Create accountability by asking this question, "If this comes up in the future, how would you like me to handle it with you?"
• Find something to appreciate - thank the person for their time, honesty, sharing their perspective, clarifying etc.   Note to self: If you can't find SOMETHING to appreciate YOU are probably being too hard on the other person in the conversation.

The direct conversation takes a little more courage but builds better work relationships.  Think about the idle office gossip that could be eliminated if more people took constructive action.

Secrets of Successful Relationships

I did a couple of workshops last month on Conflict Evolution in the work place and then last week did a workshop for the parent community where three of my children attend school here in San Francisco at Schools of the Sacred Heart.  It is interesting to me, although not surprising, that people everywhere have the same questions and concerns about relationships whether business, personal or intimate.

Anyway, I got several requests for copies of my notes, my cheat sheet on secrets of successful relationships so I thought I would share here.  It is longer than a regular post but I think you will find it quite useful.

The secrets........

Coaching Tip: The One Minute Manager with a Coaching Tweak

"The One Minute Manager" by Ken Blanchard and Spencer Johnson, billed on it's front cover as "The World's Most Popular Management Method" is a classic best seller.  Published in 1981, it is a fictionalized story written to present three simple ideas in getting the best out of people and your organization.  These three simple things and the back of the envelope definitions are:

Feedback: Ouch and Thank You

Great conversation on feedback going on over at David Maister's blog.  Worth a read and here is a summary of some high points where we agree and disagree.

David writes: 

Our progress at work and in life depends on what other people think of us. What we think of ourselves is irrelevant data

I wholeheartedly disagree. 

Conflict Resolution Tool

There are as many reasons for conflict in relationships as there are differences in people.  We are all unique and filter our experience of the world through our own lens.  Doesn't make anybody wrong -  just different.  One thing I know for sure is that where there is conflict, there is something trying to change.  When the players are stuck or entrenched, for example in my husband's ten-year custody battle I wrote about last week, the intervention or movement toward resolution oftentimes requires professional support such as mediation, coaching, and/or therapy.

However, in more routine disagreements, here is a great communication tool designed to slow things down so both sides understand each other and can collaborate on solutions.

People Skill Builder: Conflict Evolution vs Resolution

As an organization, relationship and systems coach, part of my work is helping individual clients, teams, and organizations work through conflicts and differences of opinion.  Conflict makes people uncomfortable.  Often it decreases positivity in the work environment and lowers productivity. We talk about conflict resolution - wanting to get through the discomfort to some kind of peaceful accord on the other side.  But, we need to look at little closer at conflict and ask, "What is wanting to happen?  What is needed?"

It is not always peace or resolution.  Sometimes evolution, just moving the players forward, is enough.  I wish you could have been there last week as I struggled with these issues personally.

Leadership Skill: Take Responsibility for Failure with Clarity

Leaders inevitably lose credibility when they don’t take responsibility for failure. And, it is impossible to move past the failure, to recover, without taking responsibility. So, what does it mean to take responsibility? If you continue to lead through the failure and have honestly assessed your actions and your impact, taking responsibility is a natural next step.

You quite simply must speak about the failure.

Leadership Skill: Getting Real with Failure

I often experience an “A Ha” moment with clients when we discuss the difference between “being good” and “looking good.” In this context, I use the phrase, “being good,” to describe consistently acting in accordance with your values. When facing failure, looking good may not be an option. Being good is always an option and in fact, is the most powerful form of leadership in difficult situations.

I wrote yesterday about actively leading through failure, rather than defending or retreating from it. One of the ways you begin to do that is to get real with yourself and those impacted by the failure. situation.

Leadership Skills: Making the Most of Failure

All paths to success must necessarily pass through the land of failure, some large, some small and all quite necessary to the process of growing yourself as a coach and a leader. If you are not failing, you are probably playing too small. You learn by trying new things, taking risks, stretching outside of the comfort zone, failing, and learning. You don’t grow yourself by doing what you already know how to do.

Nobody enjoys failing. Ug. Failing can be embarrassing, even humiliating. Who can get excited about not achieving a goal, letting an organization down, destroying a relationship, losing a key customer, or not achieving a desired goal? Nobody. And yet, when you fail, you have a chance to both demonstrate and improve your skills. Failure is necessary and the gift is the opportunity to learn.

How do you make the most of failing?