The Coach Approach

How Not to Let a Custody Battle Steal Your Joy

Some things in life we are just kind of stuck with and there isn't much we can do to change them.  The best we can do is to adapt.  Finding a powerful strategy to adapt then can be at the root of creating a more joyful life.  In its simplest form, what we need to do is more of the things that bring us joy and less of the things that suck the joy out of us.  

Well what about when the thing that is sucking your joy is not necessarily within your control and you are deeply committed, like to your children?  This is exactly the dilemma in a custody battle.  Custody disputes can have a way of bringing out the absolute worst in people triggering all kinds of negative emotion and behaviors exacerbated by the fierce polarization of wrong vs. right.

This has been THE biggest joy sucker of my married life.  For almost thirteen years the custody battle for my two step children has permeated our lives.  While the children have lived with us most of this time, there have been three trials in our case, countless legal motions, court-ordered therapy, supervised visitations, shrinks and other professionals not to mention endless verbal torts, email attacks, and the occasional vandalism.

While I am terribly disappointed that my husband and I have never succeeded in developing a healthy relationship with the children's biological mother and their stepfather, I do find some peace from the fact that we have for the most part acted with integrity and consistent with who we wanted to be both as people and as parents.  We made lots of mistakes and often visited the valley of despair.  But we've learned a lot - about parenting, about each other, about our kids and life in general.

Over the years, I've tried a number of strategies.  Here is a little bit about what I know to point you toward joy and away from the joy sucking conflict of custody issues.

• What matters most is who you are and how you conduct yourself.  You aren't responsible for and cannot control the other parent.
• Parenting is a marathon not a sprint.  Don't use all of your energy right out of the gate.
• When you play a win-lose game, your child loses.  When your child hurts, it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
• Remember that the court and the lawyers don't love your child.  That is your job.
• Know that forgiving is always an option.
• Surrender may be the most powerful move you ever make.
• When what you are doing is not working, be willing to try to something else.
• Look for the learning.  What does this challenge have to teach you?  What opportunities are available to develop new skills around communicating, relationships, or personal development?
• Don't feed the boogie man.  Fear and anxiety are bound to surface because it feels like the stakes are so high.  Don't dwell on negative future outcomes.  Instead, take constructive action and then take it one step at a time.
• Be grateful for everything else in your life that IS working.  Remind yourself regularly of these things.

Photo by tomswift46.

Five Steps to Freeing Up Your Energy by Forgiving

In my post on Wednesday I wrote about Four Ways to be Happier - About Your Past. I mentioned the important work of Dr. Everett Worthington on forgiveness and said I would post his proven 5 step method for forgiving and releasing some of the negative events of your past.

Dr. Worthington not only studies the radical act of forgiveness at the University of Virginia Commonwealth.  He has taken his own medicine - forgiving the perpetrators of the brutal murder of his elderly mother in 1996.  You can read his story here.

He refers to the forgiveness process as REACH.

Recall.  Recall the hurt as objectively as you can.  Don't judge the other person by adding labels like "evil" or "bad."  Breathe deeply as you do this.

Empathize.  Try to understand the other person's point of view.  This may not be easy but try to find some plausible explanation for the other's way of thinking that resulted in their hurtful actions.  For example, when people feel threatened or afraid, they may strike out in violence.  Importantly, you are not excusing the other person's behavior.  You are just looking for their point of view.

Altruistic Gift. "A" stands for giving the aaltruistic gift of forgiveness.  Again, this may not be easy.  Think of a time that you may have hurt someone, when you felt guilty and were forgiven.  That forgiveness was a gift.  Now give the gift of forgiveness for the benefit of other person.  It will set YOU free when you can give this gift without holding a grudge.

Commit.  Commit yourself to forgive publicly.  Dr. Worthington has his clients write letters of forgiveness, write in a journal or tell a friend what they have done.

Hold.  Hold on to the forgiveness.  As memories of the hurtful event resurface, which they surely will, hold on to the fact that you have forgiven the person.  Forgiveness does not erase the event and memories do not mean that you are unable to forgive. 

Forgiveness is a powerful choice to change the energy that a hurtful memory carries. Let go of thoughts of vengeance or revenge.  Hold on to the forgiveness.

Photo Courtesy of Spazzo_1493

How To Fight Fair In Important Relationships

MOST relationships are important for one reason or another.

Maybe you care about someone in an intimate relationship. Your relationships with your parents and your kids are probably important as well as your relationships with friends. And then there are your professional relationships - how you get along with coworkers, vendors, bosses, and other professionals impacts your ability to succeed and how much you enjoy your work - among other things.

Since we don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements.

Disagreements can be highly toxic and damaging to these important relationships, even destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

Before You Complain Over Someone's Head - Try This

I answer questions over at AllExperts.com on work group relationships.  My single most frequent question is how to deal with difficult coworkers and bosses.  And the single most common inclination is to take the issue over someone's head and to complain to a higher level.

This is not a good STARTING point for common complaints and conflicts!  When you have a problem with a boss or a coworker, speak to the person who can most easily fix it - the person you have the problem with.  Here are a few tips for having that necessary conversation.

• Do it one on one
• Start with the facts and just the facts - "Remember at the meeting yesterday when I suggested that..."
• Add your perception - "I thought/felt/noticed that you rolled your eyes."
• Describe the impact the action had on YOU - "It made me think that you were discrediting my input."
• Listen
• Make a request - "The next time you feel uninspired when I am speaking at a meeting, would you mind giving me some useful input?"
• Create accountability by asking this question, "If this comes up in the future, how would you like me to handle it with you?"
• Find something to appreciate - thank the person for their time, honesty, sharing their perspective, clarifying etc.   Note to self: If you can't find SOMETHING to appreciate YOU are probably being too hard on the other person in the conversation.

The direct conversation takes a little more courage but builds better work relationships.  Think about the idle office gossip that could be eliminated if more people took constructive action.

Change the Way You Look At Things

Change the way you look at things and, what you look at - changes. 

Perception isn't everything but it sure is convincing.  The problem is, when you believe something to be true, you tend to sort through information in your environment and focus on evidence that supports the frame of reference you have chosen in your perception. For example, look at the picture below:

Young Woman or Old?
That depends on your interpretation. Young people tend to see a young girl; older people, an elderly lady.

With effort, you can switch from one to the other: the young woman's chin becomes the old woman's nose; the old woman's mouth, a band on the neck of the young woman.

By American psychologist E.G. Boring

As you shift the way you look at things, you are able to take in more objective information and reframe more empowering and useful perspectives on a situation. 

Try it.  See what changes you become aware of as you shift the way you look at things.

All the best,

Lora

lora@TheCoachApproach.net

The Coach Approach, LLC

P.S.  Here is another one just for kicks. Vases or faces?

"Goblet Portraits" by Zeke Berman ©1978

The Coach Approach to Legal Issues

I was excited this morning to find the following blog article by Philip Daunt in my Google news alert, The Power of Clear Communication.  Daunt publishes a blog on bringing coaching concepts to the often contentious process of legal disputes.  What a GREAT concept!  I can't think of a better place to apply coaching skills.

It seems almost counter intuitive because we so often are in a win/lose and blame game state of mind by the time someone resorts to legal action. Whether we are initiating or responding to a legal action, the important thing to remember is that we always, and I mean ALWAYS, have a choice.  We choose our intent, our language, our tactics, our feelings, and most importantly the energy we bring to the dispute or conflict.  Are we here to resolve or to punish?  Are we attached to being right or ready to move forward?  Is our energy being put to its highest and best use in engaging or settling?

Check out Durant's recent post as well as The Ten Distinctions of a Coach Approach Lawyer and The Eight Possibilities.  He is truly in ground breaking territory here. 

I shared some of my personal experiences on this topic in a previous post.  And I would love to hear your thoughts and/or experiences on this topic.

With gratitude,

Lora

Lora Banks, CPCC

lora@TheCoachApproach.net

The Coach Approach, LLC

Leadership Tip: Is Your Organization Awake?

That is the question asked by Nancy Spears in her latest business book, Buddha: 9 to 5: The Eightfold Path to Enlightening Your Workplace and Improving Your Bottom Line  Regardless of your spiritual orientation, you will find this book packed with leadership tools, workplace wisdom, and professional development tips. 

Spears overlays ancient teachings upon today's corporate environments providing a road map for healthy change which is people, profit and ethics centric - all at the same time. She brings deeper meaning to the classic terms, "mission" and "vision."  Through a series of self-coaching exercises, she points the reader toward accountability, discipline in communication, passion and patience at work.  Short case studies populate the book both from the author's own professional experience as well as popular media.  While educating on Buddhist principles of thought, each chapter is organized in business like fashion into strategies, tactics, and operations.

I love the book, like most of those recommended by my good friend Nicki Marcellino at Prudential California Realty.  The company has their entire management staff reading the book!  Spears and I are on the same page here.  You can read my take on business and the eightfold path on my old blog, Thoughts on Leadership over at blogger.com.  What do you think?

Enjoy,

Lora

Lora Banks, CPCC

lora@TheCoachApproach.net

The Coach Approach, LLC

Forget Right and Wrong

Laura Whitworth, one of the founders of the industry of coaching, founder of The Bigger Game, founder of The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, creator of the CTI Global Leadership training program and author of Co-Active Coaching: New Skills for Coaching People Toward Success in Work and, Life, left this planet on February 28, 2007 after a long battle with lung cancer.  She was a coach, a friend, a mentor and an inspiration to me in the few years that I knew her.  Laura, like the master coach that she was, asked the best questions.  And although it was several years ago, I still remember one of the greatest gifts of wisdom she gave to me in a coaching session sitting on the beach in Santa Cruz, California.

Laura was coaching me on an entrenched conflict in my personal life, a relationship that had gone bad and become polarized into good and bad, right and wrong. 

Invest in Relationships or Pay the Price Later

Hearing a lot lately about the value of time and some complaints about there not being enough of it to go around.  Well, I am not going to say a word about time management because that is not my expertise.  I do however want to share a perspective on time as an investment opportunity in building relationships both personally and professionally.

Secrets of Successful Relationships

I did a couple of workshops last month on Conflict Evolution in the work place and then last week did a workshop for the parent community where three of my children attend school here in San Francisco at Schools of the Sacred Heart.  It is interesting to me, although not surprising, that people everywhere have the same questions and concerns about relationships whether business, personal or intimate.

Anyway, I got several requests for copies of my notes, my cheat sheet on secrets of successful relationships so I thought I would share here.  It is longer than a regular post but I think you will find it quite useful.

The secrets........