The Coach Approach

Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work for Smart People and What to Do About It

With the mega success of the hit movie, "The Secret," I assume just about everybody has been exposed to the wildly popular idea of positive thinking.  Not a new concept in the field of personal development and success psychology but the movie put a spin on it referring to it as the Law of Attraction (LOA) - claiming some ancient roots and basically that what you think about you will attract like a magnet, either good or bad.

Hordes of followers were energized by the movie and who wouldn't be?  All I have to do is think about something - like a little red bicycle - and I will get it.  LOA gurus and coaches sprung up everywhere to help the masses work the program.  Think about something with all your might and it will be created.

Still others pointed out the caveat - you have to BELIEVE that you already "be, do, or have" the object of your desires.  And here is where it all falls apart for smart people.  They can't convince themselves of something that is not empirically true in their perception.  They refuse to fool themselves when they take some pride their intellect, rational thinking and perhaps education.

The fact is people who think positively do have greater success, better health and more satisfying relationships.  (If you need to be convinced, see the work of Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D.)  How then is a smart, thinking person supposed to convince herself of something other than the thoughts served up by her marvelous brain?

Well here is what we know from the available science.

1)  You can't create a "believable" positive thought by turning a negative thought upside down.  For instance, if you feel like you are suffering under a pile of debt from a real estate deal gone bad, you are going to have a heck of time trying to sell the affirmation, "I feel ease and abundance in my ever increasing wealth" to your head.  Your affirmation will be met with resistance, judgment, and a challenge to the truthfulness.  The little voice inside your head will likely reply, "Who you trying to kid?  Done any math lately?  Negative net worth is a far cry from wealth.  You know that.  You have an MBA for God's sakes.  Wake up and smell the coffee.  You're in trouble and no amount of magical thinking is going to get you out of it Bozo."

2)  Instead, identify a new empowering belief that would address the same issue, create a similar desired outcome that doesn't rely on the old language.  In this example, you would avoid the words money, debt, wealth etc.  You might try, "I am more than capable of finding solutions and opportunities in the current circumstances."  This will allow you to create more positive and resourceful thoughts without triggering your prudent self to set you straight on subjective reality and the facts.

3)  Look for real world evidence to support your positive thought.  This is particularly useful when you have constructed an exaggerated negative perception of an event.  I once coached a client through a series of job transitions during the boom and bust of the dot com era.  Every time his employment came to an end, he was convinced his career was over and that he would never be gainfully employed again.  Now this smart guy was not terminated from a series of positions, in fact one position ended because he sold his company for a very nice profit.  Yet he was convinced that somehow he was a fraud and wouldn't work again.  When we looked at the evidence, I pointed out that EVERY single time he transitioned, he got every thing he wanted in a new position and MORE.  He had good evidence to believe that his next position would be even more fulfilling than the last.  He just needed to see the evidence.

4)  And what if the evidence just isn't there.  No matter how hard you look, you can't find the facts to support a positive angle.  What then?  The trick here is to de-escalate the meaning and implications you are attaching to the event.  You lost your job.  Does that mean that you will NEVER work again?  No.  It doesn't.  You did a bad real estate deal and are saddled with a mountain of debt.  Does that mean that you are a complete failure?  No.  It doesn't.  Does it mean that you will never be successful again?  No.  It doesn't.  Strip away as much as you can of the catastrophic thinking by getting clear on how likely it is that you are looking at the worst case scenario.  Again, look for evidence here.

5)  Finally, if you work through the steps above and land squarely back on the negative belief.  Worse yet, you've gone through the process and found even more evidence to support it.  What then?  The question to ask yourself is - "This may be true now but can it be changed?"  If so, how?  Where it can be changed, this will lead you to constructive action and the opportunity to create new evidence for a more positive and resourceful belief.

Photo Courtesy of critical thinking asylum.

How Not to Let a Custody Battle Steal Your Joy

Some things in life we are just kind of stuck with and there isn't much we can do to change them.  The best we can do is to adapt.  Finding a powerful strategy to adapt then can be at the root of creating a more joyful life.  In its simplest form, what we need to do is more of the things that bring us joy and less of the things that suck the joy out of us.  

Well what about when the thing that is sucking your joy is not necessarily within your control and you are deeply committed, like to your children?  This is exactly the dilemma in a custody battle.  Custody disputes can have a way of bringing out the absolute worst in people triggering all kinds of negative emotion and behaviors exacerbated by the fierce polarization of wrong vs. right.

This has been THE biggest joy sucker of my married life.  For almost thirteen years the custody battle for my two step children has permeated our lives.  While the children have lived with us most of this time, there have been three trials in our case, countless legal motions, court-ordered therapy, supervised visitations, shrinks and other professionals not to mention endless verbal torts, email attacks, and the occasional vandalism.

While I am terribly disappointed that my husband and I have never succeeded in developing a healthy relationship with the children's biological mother and their stepfather, I do find some peace from the fact that we have for the most part acted with integrity and consistent with who we wanted to be both as people and as parents.  We made lots of mistakes and often visited the valley of despair.  But we've learned a lot - about parenting, about each other, about our kids and life in general.

Over the years, I've tried a number of strategies.  Here is a little bit about what I know to point you toward joy and away from the joy sucking conflict of custody issues.

• What matters most is who you are and how you conduct yourself.  You aren't responsible for and cannot control the other parent.
• Parenting is a marathon not a sprint.  Don't use all of your energy right out of the gate.
• When you play a win-lose game, your child loses.  When your child hurts, it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
• Remember that the court and the lawyers don't love your child.  That is your job.
• Know that forgiving is always an option.
• Surrender may be the most powerful move you ever make.
• When what you are doing is not working, be willing to try to something else.
• Look for the learning.  What does this challenge have to teach you?  What opportunities are available to develop new skills around communicating, relationships, or personal development?
• Don't feed the boogie man.  Fear and anxiety are bound to surface because it feels like the stakes are so high.  Don't dwell on negative future outcomes.  Instead, take constructive action and then take it one step at a time.
• Be grateful for everything else in your life that IS working.  Remind yourself regularly of these things.

Photo by tomswift46.

The Happiness Equation - Yes, There IS an Equation

For the left-brained, analytical, thinking over feeling among us - myself included along with most of my clients - it may come as a bit of a surprise that there is actually a formula, a scientific and well researched formula, for that sometimes aloof and elusive state we refer to as "happiness."  Not "the secret" or the shortcut or the step by step process but a mathematical equation.  I LOVE this idea!  And here it is:

H = S + C + V

According to Dr. Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness and numerous other books on the subject, enduring happiness (H) is a function of our happiness set point (S) combined with our life circumstances (C) and factors under our voluntary control (V).

Your enduring level of happiness is distinct from momentary happiness.  Momentary happiness can be increased by any number of pleasant experiences - a glass of wine, a baby's smile or beautiful music. Enduring happiness is not simply a collection of pleasant experiences but your general, overall level of satisfaction and joy in life.  It might be characterized by how stoked you are about your day today and how much you look forward to your life in the future.

Your happiness set point (S) is primarily inherited from your biological parents and accounts for approximately 50% of your enduring happiness.  This is your sort of default level of happiness - all other things being equal - and can vary greatly between people.  Obviously, there is little you can do to change your genetics.

Life circumstances (C) account for about 10% of the equation.  Money, health, relationships, where you live, friends, negative life events and religion can all have an impact - either positive or negative. The good news is that many life circumstances can be positively influenced by your efforts.

But the really good news is that fully 40% of your enduring happiness depends on your ability to exercise the muscle of positive emotions.  Positive emotions are the byproduct of your way of thinking about things - past, present and future.  They include optimism, hope, joy, faith, trust, pride and satisfaction among others.  And here is where you have the leverage to create more sustainable and enduring happiness.  

So how do you develop this muscle?  Seligman suggests the ABCDE model of arguing with yourself when you have negative thoughts.  Think of it as a conversation you might have with a friend or when disputing a completely ludicrous accusation.  Next time you have a negative thought, try to apply this method and notice the difference.

A is for adversity.  Describe the negative event.  "Our teenage daughter had a party in our house over the weekend while we were out of town."

B is for belief.  What is your belief about the event?  "She has absolutely no respect for us.  She is headed for even more trouble.  How are we ever going to get control of her behavior?"

C is for Consequences.  Identify the impact or consequences for the event.  "I am furious with her for lying and disappointed in my husband for not managing things better in the past.  And I am overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to discipline a teenager."

D is for disputation.  Disputation is key.  This is where you point out what might be erroneous in your beliefs and consequences.  "Having a party while we are out of town is not a felony.  It doesn't mean she is a bad kid.  In fact, she is doing great in school and hey, didn't I try that trick once or twice on my parents?  I can't say I was 100% truthful with my parents either.  It is pretty normal for a teenager to test the boundaries."

E is for energization (Is that a word?).  Observe the energy that becomes available as you DISPUTE your negative beliefs.  "I am not interested in controlling her behavior.  I am interested in continuing to strengthen our relationship and build it during difficult times.  I also want her to learn to make good decisions, to be safe.  I am going to talk to her to communicate my disappointment and I am going to make sure she doesn't have the opportunity to make the same decision in the near future."

While 50% of your happiness level may be a function of heredity, some 40% is a function of how you think about things and then experience positive or negative emotions.  Why not spend the next week, the next day or the next hour exercising your positive emotion muscle?

Five Steps to Freeing Up Your Energy by Forgiving

In my post on Wednesday I wrote about Four Ways to be Happier - About Your Past. I mentioned the important work of Dr. Everett Worthington on forgiveness and said I would post his proven 5 step method for forgiving and releasing some of the negative events of your past.

Dr. Worthington not only studies the radical act of forgiveness at the University of Virginia Commonwealth.  He has taken his own medicine - forgiving the perpetrators of the brutal murder of his elderly mother in 1996.  You can read his story here.

He refers to the forgiveness process as REACH.

Recall.  Recall the hurt as objectively as you can.  Don't judge the other person by adding labels like "evil" or "bad."  Breathe deeply as you do this.

Empathize.  Try to understand the other person's point of view.  This may not be easy but try to find some plausible explanation for the other's way of thinking that resulted in their hurtful actions.  For example, when people feel threatened or afraid, they may strike out in violence.  Importantly, you are not excusing the other person's behavior.  You are just looking for their point of view.

Altruistic Gift. "A" stands for giving the aaltruistic gift of forgiveness.  Again, this may not be easy.  Think of a time that you may have hurt someone, when you felt guilty and were forgiven.  That forgiveness was a gift.  Now give the gift of forgiveness for the benefit of other person.  It will set YOU free when you can give this gift without holding a grudge.

Commit.  Commit yourself to forgive publicly.  Dr. Worthington has his clients write letters of forgiveness, write in a journal or tell a friend what they have done.

Hold.  Hold on to the forgiveness.  As memories of the hurtful event resurface, which they surely will, hold on to the fact that you have forgiven the person.  Forgiveness does not erase the event and memories do not mean that you are unable to forgive. 

Forgiveness is a powerful choice to change the energy that a hurtful memory carries. Let go of thoughts of vengeance or revenge.  Hold on to the forgiveness.

Photo Courtesy of Spazzo_1493

Four Ways to Be Happier - About Your Past

No, we can't change history.  What's past is past.  But the past doesn't determine our ability to be happy now or in the future.  

See, the only place that the past exists is in our memory.  How we choose to remember the events and stories of our personal histories has a direct impact on how good we feel.  Fortunately, we are free to select and review the files of our memories under any lens that we choose.

I once had a mind bending conversation with my two sisters.  We were driving together to our family cabin in the Sierras comparing childhood stories.  We talked about old boyfriends, leaving home, marriage and having children when the conversation turned to our childhood.  I said something to the affect that I was glad that the tumultous years of our childhood were behind us and that our family could all enjoy being together during this phase of our life.  I spoke about the conflict, fear, and violence in our childhood home and about the relief of having passed through that phase of our lives.

To my complete surprise, my sister Penny who is just one year younger than me, said, "Where did you grow up?"  She went on to explain how she grew up in the most loving and ideal family, how she felt so loved and cared for.  Her childhood was filled with fun and adventure and a tremendous warmth and affection.  To which I replied, "Where did you grow up?  Disneyland?"

Point is, we grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances.  I tried to pull out selective data to convince her my perspective was correct.  "Don't you remember being afraid to go to sleep at night when mom and dad were fighting?"  Nope.  She didn't remember.  "Don't you remember the great vacation we had in Yosemite?" she replied.

Here is where the opportunity lies to be happier about our past - change they way you choose to remember the events of the past and you change the way you feel about them.  Why not write your personal history in a more positive light?  Here's how:

Be grateful.  All of your past experiences have made you who you are today.  When you dwell in the past, appreciate the events and circumstances that contributed to the richness, texture and depth of your life experience.  

Forgive.  Yes, this is a big one and easier said than done.  Dr. Everett Worthington, author of The Power of Forgiving has a proven 5-step process for forgiveness.  I can't find a good link to it at the moment but will post it here tomorrow.  Forgiveness reduces anger, stress, fear and a whole host of other negative emotions.  It is a gift to both the forgiver and the forgiven and releases you from toxic emotions rooted in yesteryear.

Amplify Positive Memories.  As you pull from the past, choose positive experiences rather than negative ones.  Processing negative experiences may be useful in psychotherapy - I don't know, not my area of expertise.  However, hanging out in your mind with your negative memories will decrease your feelings of well being in the present.  Why not choose the success of completing that triathalon or being accepted to a great college rather than the humliation of wetting your pants in the first grade? (yep, all three are in my memory banks)

Rewrite Your Personal History.  You can actually sit down and write a version of your personal history simply highlighting all of the great events of your past.  Try to stick to some semblance of fact.  If you embellish too much or try to put a positive spin on say a traumatic experience, you will find your mind busy judging and debating the details rather than relishing the positivity of the past.  And you don't have to actually write it down.  We tell our personal stories all the time and they reinforce how we think and feel about our past.  Choose the stories that reflect the the gems rather than the rocks and you will in effect, rewrite history - your history that is.

Photo courtesy of Monica's Dad