Some things in life we are just kind of stuck with and there isn't much we can do to change them. The best we can do is to adapt. Finding a powerful strategy to adapt then can be at the root of creating a more joyful life. In its simplest form, what we need to do is more of the things that bring us joy and less of the things that suck the joy out of us.
Well what about when the thing that is sucking your joy is not necessarily within your control and you are deeply committed, like to your children? This is exactly the dilemma in a custody battle. Custody disputes can have a way of bringing out the absolute worst in people triggering all kinds of negative emotion and behaviors exacerbated by the fierce polarization of wrong vs. right.
This has been THE biggest joy sucker of my married life. For almost thirteen years the custody battle for my two step children has permeated our lives. While the children have lived with us most of this time, there have been three trials in our case, countless legal motions, court-ordered therapy, supervised visitations, shrinks and other professionals not to mention endless verbal torts, email attacks, and the occasional vandalism.
While I am terribly disappointed that my husband and I have never succeeded in developing a healthy relationship with the children's biological mother and their stepfather, I do find some peace from the fact that we have for the most part acted with integrity and consistent with who we wanted to be both as people and as parents. We made lots of mistakes and often visited the valley of despair. But we've learned a lot - about parenting, about each other, about our kids and life in general.
Over the years, I've tried a number of strategies. Here is a little bit about what I know to point you toward joy and away from the joy sucking conflict of custody issues.
- What matters most is who you are and how you conduct yourself. You aren't responsible for and cannot control the other parent.
- Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Don't use all of your energy right out of the gate.
- When you play a win-lose game, your child loses. When your child hurts, it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
- Remember that the court and the lawyers don't love your child. That is your job.
- Know that forgiving is always an option.
- Surrender may be the most powerful move you ever make.
- When what you are doing is not working, be willing to try to something else.
- Look for the learning. What does this challenge have to teach you? What opportunities are available to develop new skills around communicating, relationships, or personal development?
- Don't feed the boogie man. Fear and anxiety are bound to surface because it feels like the stakes are so high. Don't dwell on negative future outcomes. Instead, take constructive action and then take it one step at a time.
- Be grateful for everything else in your life that IS working. Remind yourself regularly of these things.
Photo by tomswift46.
