No, we can't change history. What's past is past. But the past doesn't determine our ability to be happy now or in the future.
See, the only place that the past exists is in our memory. How we choose to remember the events and stories of our personal histories has a direct impact on how good we feel. Fortunately, we are free to select and review the files of our memories under any lens that we choose.
I once had a mind bending conversation with my two sisters. We were driving together to our family cabin in the Sierras comparing childhood stories. We talked about old boyfriends, leaving home, marriage and having children when the conversation turned to our childhood. I said something to the affect that I was glad that the tumultous years of our childhood were behind us and that our family could all enjoy being together during this phase of our life. I spoke about the conflict, fear, and violence in our childhood home and about the relief of having passed through that phase of our lives.
To my complete surprise, my sister Penny who is just one year younger than me, said, "Where did you grow up?" She went on to explain how she grew up in the most loving and ideal family, how she felt so loved and cared for. Her childhood was filled with fun and adventure and a tremendous warmth and affection. To which I replied, "Where did you grow up? Disneyland?"
Point is, we grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances. I tried to pull out selective data to convince her my perspective was correct. "Don't you remember being afraid to go to sleep at night when mom and dad were fighting?" Nope. She didn't remember. "Don't you remember the great vacation we had in Yosemite?" she replied.
Here is where the opportunity lies to be happier about our past - change they way you choose to remember the events of the past and you change the way you feel about them. Why not write your personal history in a more positive light? Here's how:
Be grateful. All of your past experiences have made you who you are today. When you dwell in the past, appreciate the events and circumstances that contributed to the richness, texture and depth of your life experience.
Forgive. Yes, this is a big one and easier said than done. Dr. Everett Worthington, author of The Power of Forgiving has a proven 5-step process for forgiveness. I can't find a good link to it at the moment but will post it here tomorrow. Forgiveness reduces anger, stress, fear and a whole host of other negative emotions. It is a gift to both the forgiver and the forgiven and releases you from toxic emotions rooted in yesteryear.
Amplify Positive Memories. As you pull from the past, choose positive experiences rather than negative ones. Processing negative experiences may be useful in psychotherapy - I don't know, not my area of expertise. However, hanging out in your mind with your negative memories will decrease your feelings of well being in the present. Why not choose the success of completing that triathalon or being accepted to a great college rather than the humliation of wetting your pants in the first grade? (yep, all three are in my memory banks)
Rewrite Your Personal History. You can actually sit down and write a version of your personal history simply highlighting all of the great events of your past. Try to stick to some semblance of fact. If you embellish too much or try to put a positive spin on say a traumatic experience, you will find your mind busy judging and debating the details rather than relishing the positivity of the past. And you don't have to actually write it down. We tell our personal stories all the time and they reinforce how we think and feel about our past. Choose the stories that reflect the the gems rather than the rocks and you will in effect, rewrite history - your history that is.
Photo courtesy of Monica's Dad
