Dustin Wax at Stepcase Lifehack asks, "What's it going to take to make you happy?" in his post by the same name earlier this month. He makes some good points about what doesn't make people happy pointing out that there have been unhappy rich people, desperate smart people, and suicidal famous and beautiful people. We know then the answer is not money, brains, beauty or fame.
The key to answering the question he says is "self-knowledge – facing the question of what it will take to be happy head on." He is spot on.
Specifically, what makes YOU happy is living YOUR life according to what is most important to YOU. It's different for everybody so there is no "formula" but there is a "recipe."
The recipe is in the value or the meaning that you place on things. Anyone can discover their own recipe for happiness by identifying their most deeply held values. Once you know what they are, happiness is a byproduct of living in a way that moves toward those things that you value most and away from those that you don't.
How do you discover what's in your particular recipe? You explore. At The Coach Approach, all of our clients go through a lengthy values exploration with their coach. Here is an overview of one of the processes we use.
Set aside at least 30 minutes for this exercise and find yourself a quiet place where you won't be interrupted. You'll want a notebook also.
1. First what not to do. Don't look at a list of words and try to select from the menu options. What is really true and dear to you will emerge in the process. If you have to choose it off the list, it is probably not that important to you and what most people tend to do when given a list is choose what sounds good - team work, family, courage - or what they think they should value - like security, charity, diversity. Your real recipe will be unique.
2. Don't settle for one word values. Think about freedom for instance, which is my number one value. Freedom could mean a lot of things. I define my freedom value like this:
freedom/independence/self-expression
Someone else might value freedom like this: freedom/adventure/no boundaries. Very different, see?
3. Answer these questions. Sit down with your pen and notebook and answer these questions as quickly as you can - stream of consciousness. Avoid thinking too much and seriously, write down the first things that pop into your head - no censorship.
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Think about a time in your life when you felt totally energized. This could be a single event, like a graduation or an achievement or it could be a time, like a vacation or the year you moved into your new house. What was it about this time that made your experience so rich?
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Now, think of a time when life just stunk. What was going on that was so terrible? Most importantly, what was missing?
4. Identify your values. Look at the experiences you described above. Notice what must be present for you to feel energized and fulfilled. When you come up with a specific person, place or thing, ask yourself - what is important about that? For instance, if you noticed that college was a time of great joy for you - what about college was important? Was it learning? Was it being with friends? Was it new experiences?
I actually changed my career after going through a values clarification process with my coach. I had thought for years that "money" was my most important value - to the extent that I was even conscious of values that is. When I went through the process, I realized that what money represented to me was freedom. I had a terrific job and I was a making a lot of money but I had to get up at 4:00 in the morning and I could hardly leave my desk to go to the bathroom because I was trading stocks. I was tired at night, saw little of my family, and didn't take much vacation.
When I realized I wasn't able to honor my number one value of freedom as a stock trader, as much as I loved my job, I had to transition to something that did. That's when I started my own business company which has contributed significantly to my personal happiness recipe.
Find out what you most value and let your values guide your choices to a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness.
