Secrets of Successful Relationships
I did a couple of workshops last month on Conflict Evolution in the work place and then last week did a workshop for the parent community where three of my children attend school here in San Francisco at Schools of the Sacred Heart. It is interesting to me, although not surprising, that people everywhere have the same questions and concerns about relationships whether business, personal or intimate.
Anyway, I got several requests for copies of my notes, my cheat sheet on secrets of successful relationships so I thought I would share here. It is longer than a regular post but I think you will find it quite useful.
The secrets........
Secrets of Successful Relationships
Where Does Relationship Happen?
Relationships happen in conversations and in our perceptions, interpretations, and assumptions about others and events.
Exploding the Myths and the 5:1 Ratio
Research conducted by Dr. John Gottman and published in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
The “Secrets”
- Dream. You must have a dream for the future of your relationship. Without a dream, you unconsciously create a relationship based on events, perceptions, and interpretations about your past relationship(s). What are the qualities you want to have in this relationship in the future?
- Increase positive interactions through acknowledgment, kind words and gestures, encouragement, championing, getting curious, listening, empathy, and compassion.
- Decrease negativity by managing the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
1. Blame or Criticism - attacking the other person/group rather than the behavior
- Defensiveness - defending against criticism or attack escalates conflict as it implies blame and polarizing options
- Contempt - includes sarcasm, belittling, cynicism, name calling, hostile humor and belligerence
- Stonewalling - includes cutting off communication, silent treatment, refusal to engage or withdrawing
“If you see it, say it!”
- Are you willing to continue without blaming? Ask if the other is willing to continue the conversation without blaming.
- Use “I” statements. Request that others speak about their needs without attacking.
- Make a request. Ask for the unmade request behind the complaint/blame.
- Take a “time out” if you feel triggered.
- Take responsibility out loud. “I agree/I admit/ I see.”
- Repeat what you heard and ask for clarification. Ask what they heard you say to check for understanding. Clarify.
- Search for the “2%” truth in what you are hearing.
- Show the intent to understand, by guessing at what the (hidden) request might be.
- Ask “Are you willing to resolve this without sarcasm or name calling?”
- Use “I” statements and ask the other to use “I” statements such as “I feel” or “I want.”
- Stop any sarcasm, cynicism, or name-calling. Self-correct and say “Wait- that didn’t come out right, what I wanted to say was…”
- Strive for respect, no matter how difficult.
- Guess about what you think the other may be feeling or thinking and check it out with them. “I’m guessing you might have been a bit startled at the way I asked that question, am I close?”
- Validate them/relationship and ask them to continue.
- Ask “If you could say anything right now and not be made wrong for it, what would it be?”
- If you are stonewalling, notice that you are triggered, ask for a time out and design a way to continue the conversation when you feel more safe.
Format for “I” Statements
“When [the facts or event] happened,
I thought/noticed/assumed/made up [your interpretation of the event].
Note: "The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse" is the termed used by Dr. Gottman in his books and his research. The anitidotes are from a collection of resources and experiences.
As always, would love to hear your comments or experiences.
Kind regards,
Lora
Lora L. Banks, CPCC
Certified Professional Coach
