The Coach Approach

Four Useful Insights to Help Heal a Depression

I am not a medical doctor and this is not medical advice nor meant for the chemically depressed.  It seems to me,  in many years of coaching and observing human behavior, that almost everybody gets a little depressed some time.  It might be a blue mood that hangs around for a long time or a sad, hopeless feeling following some change in life circumstances like a job loss, an empty nest, or a divorce.  But one thing is for sure, when you are in it - it doesn't feel too good and it can give the impression of being unshakable or maybe even a permanent state of being because there is very little hope in your personal reservoir.

Angeles Arrien, Ph.D. is a cultural anthropologist who has studied indigenous cultures of the world and brings these words of wisdom as part of her body of work which she calls The Four Fold Way.  

When a person goes to the medicine man or woman with symptoms of depression, like sadness, lack of energy, uninterested in getting up in the morning, uninspired, or an absence of any good feelings, the healer will offer what Arrien calls, "The Four Healing Salves."

"When did you stop singing?" she will ask.  Translated this means, "When did you stop using your voice?"  When did you stop asking for what you want?  When did you stop speaking your truth?  This is the first clue to what is driving the feeling of feeling bad.

"When did you stop dancing?" the medicine woman will ask.  In other words, when did you stop moving your body and listening to the wisdom of the body.  Physical movement, what the ancients referred to as dance, can be exercise, walking, stretching, dancing, gardening - just about anything that uses the body. When you don't move the body, energy sits contained in the instrument and it doesn't flow through. Energy congestion then contributes to the feeling of depression.

"When did you become enchanted by the stories others have of you?  When did you stop listening to your own stories, especially the story of your life?" she will inquire.  This healing salve points you to the importance of being true to yourself, to your essence, and authenticity in your life.  Have you been living your life for others?  Parents, kids, a spouse, to fit into a community?

And her final question, "When did you stop practicing the sweet territory of silence?"  In silence there is space for reflection and learning and gratitude and insight and creativity.  Without it, the soul withers. Where is your time for reflection and learning?

These four useful insights to help heal a depression can be summarized like this:  

• Use your voice to speak your truth
• Move your body to shift the energy.
• Be authentic.  Tell your own story not someone else's.
• And practice silence.

Depression, sadness and other low states of energy can seem overwhelming and unbeatable when we find ourselves in the midst of them.  These simple insights point the way out and through these negative mindsets/moods to more joyful ground.

Photo courtesy of Emy_racoon

Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work for Smart People and What to Do About It

With the mega success of the hit movie, "The Secret," I assume just about everybody has been exposed to the wildly popular idea of positive thinking.  Not a new concept in the field of personal development and success psychology but the movie put a spin on it referring to it as the Law of Attraction (LOA) - claiming some ancient roots and basically that what you think about you will attract like a magnet, either good or bad.

Hordes of followers were energized by the movie and who wouldn't be?  All I have to do is think about something - like a little red bicycle - and I will get it.  LOA gurus and coaches sprung up everywhere to help the masses work the program.  Think about something with all your might and it will be created.

Still others pointed out the caveat - you have to BELIEVE that you already "be, do, or have" the object of your desires.  And here is where it all falls apart for smart people.  They can't convince themselves of something that is not empirically true in their perception.  They refuse to fool themselves when they take some pride their intellect, rational thinking and perhaps education.

The fact is people who think positively do have greater success, better health and more satisfying relationships.  (If you need to be convinced, see the work of Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D.)  How then is a smart, thinking person supposed to convince herself of something other than the thoughts served up by her marvelous brain?

Well here is what we know from the available science.

1)  You can't create a "believable" positive thought by turning a negative thought upside down.  For instance, if you feel like you are suffering under a pile of debt from a real estate deal gone bad, you are going to have a heck of time trying to sell the affirmation, "I feel ease and abundance in my ever increasing wealth" to your head.  Your affirmation will be met with resistance, judgment, and a challenge to the truthfulness.  The little voice inside your head will likely reply, "Who you trying to kid?  Done any math lately?  Negative net worth is a far cry from wealth.  You know that.  You have an MBA for God's sakes.  Wake up and smell the coffee.  You're in trouble and no amount of magical thinking is going to get you out of it Bozo."

2)  Instead, identify a new empowering belief that would address the same issue, create a similar desired outcome that doesn't rely on the old language.  In this example, you would avoid the words money, debt, wealth etc.  You might try, "I am more than capable of finding solutions and opportunities in the current circumstances."  This will allow you to create more positive and resourceful thoughts without triggering your prudent self to set you straight on subjective reality and the facts.

3)  Look for real world evidence to support your positive thought.  This is particularly useful when you have constructed an exaggerated negative perception of an event.  I once coached a client through a series of job transitions during the boom and bust of the dot com era.  Every time his employment came to an end, he was convinced his career was over and that he would never be gainfully employed again.  Now this smart guy was not terminated from a series of positions, in fact one position ended because he sold his company for a very nice profit.  Yet he was convinced that somehow he was a fraud and wouldn't work again.  When we looked at the evidence, I pointed out that EVERY single time he transitioned, he got every thing he wanted in a new position and MORE.  He had good evidence to believe that his next position would be even more fulfilling than the last.  He just needed to see the evidence.

4)  And what if the evidence just isn't there.  No matter how hard you look, you can't find the facts to support a positive angle.  What then?  The trick here is to de-escalate the meaning and implications you are attaching to the event.  You lost your job.  Does that mean that you will NEVER work again?  No.  It doesn't.  You did a bad real estate deal and are saddled with a mountain of debt.  Does that mean that you are a complete failure?  No.  It doesn't.  Does it mean that you will never be successful again?  No.  It doesn't.  Strip away as much as you can of the catastrophic thinking by getting clear on how likely it is that you are looking at the worst case scenario.  Again, look for evidence here.

5)  Finally, if you work through the steps above and land squarely back on the negative belief.  Worse yet, you've gone through the process and found even more evidence to support it.  What then?  The question to ask yourself is - "This may be true now but can it be changed?"  If so, how?  Where it can be changed, this will lead you to constructive action and the opportunity to create new evidence for a more positive and resourceful belief.

Photo Courtesy of critical thinking asylum.

How Not to Let a Custody Battle Steal Your Joy

Some things in life we are just kind of stuck with and there isn't much we can do to change them.  The best we can do is to adapt.  Finding a powerful strategy to adapt then can be at the root of creating a more joyful life.  In its simplest form, what we need to do is more of the things that bring us joy and less of the things that suck the joy out of us.  

Well what about when the thing that is sucking your joy is not necessarily within your control and you are deeply committed, like to your children?  This is exactly the dilemma in a custody battle.  Custody disputes can have a way of bringing out the absolute worst in people triggering all kinds of negative emotion and behaviors exacerbated by the fierce polarization of wrong vs. right.

This has been THE biggest joy sucker of my married life.  For almost thirteen years the custody battle for my two step children has permeated our lives.  While the children have lived with us most of this time, there have been three trials in our case, countless legal motions, court-ordered therapy, supervised visitations, shrinks and other professionals not to mention endless verbal torts, email attacks, and the occasional vandalism.

While I am terribly disappointed that my husband and I have never succeeded in developing a healthy relationship with the children's biological mother and their stepfather, I do find some peace from the fact that we have for the most part acted with integrity and consistent with who we wanted to be both as people and as parents.  We made lots of mistakes and often visited the valley of despair.  But we've learned a lot - about parenting, about each other, about our kids and life in general.

Over the years, I've tried a number of strategies.  Here is a little bit about what I know to point you toward joy and away from the joy sucking conflict of custody issues.

• What matters most is who you are and how you conduct yourself.  You aren't responsible for and cannot control the other parent.
• Parenting is a marathon not a sprint.  Don't use all of your energy right out of the gate.
• When you play a win-lose game, your child loses.  When your child hurts, it will hurt you more than you can imagine.
• Remember that the court and the lawyers don't love your child.  That is your job.
• Know that forgiving is always an option.
• Surrender may be the most powerful move you ever make.
• When what you are doing is not working, be willing to try to something else.
• Look for the learning.  What does this challenge have to teach you?  What opportunities are available to develop new skills around communicating, relationships, or personal development?
• Don't feed the boogie man.  Fear and anxiety are bound to surface because it feels like the stakes are so high.  Don't dwell on negative future outcomes.  Instead, take constructive action and then take it one step at a time.
• Be grateful for everything else in your life that IS working.  Remind yourself regularly of these things.

Photo by tomswift46.

The Happiness Equation - Yes, There IS an Equation

For the left-brained, analytical, thinking over feeling among us - myself included along with most of my clients - it may come as a bit of a surprise that there is actually a formula, a scientific and well researched formula, for that sometimes aloof and elusive state we refer to as "happiness."  Not "the secret" or the shortcut or the step by step process but a mathematical equation.  I LOVE this idea!  And here it is:

H = S + C + V

According to Dr. Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness and numerous other books on the subject, enduring happiness (H) is a function of our happiness set point (S) combined with our life circumstances (C) and factors under our voluntary control (V).

Your enduring level of happiness is distinct from momentary happiness.  Momentary happiness can be increased by any number of pleasant experiences - a glass of wine, a baby's smile or beautiful music. Enduring happiness is not simply a collection of pleasant experiences but your general, overall level of satisfaction and joy in life.  It might be characterized by how stoked you are about your day today and how much you look forward to your life in the future.

Your happiness set point (S) is primarily inherited from your biological parents and accounts for approximately 50% of your enduring happiness.  This is your sort of default level of happiness - all other things being equal - and can vary greatly between people.  Obviously, there is little you can do to change your genetics.

Life circumstances (C) account for about 10% of the equation.  Money, health, relationships, where you live, friends, negative life events and religion can all have an impact - either positive or negative. The good news is that many life circumstances can be positively influenced by your efforts.

But the really good news is that fully 40% of your enduring happiness depends on your ability to exercise the muscle of positive emotions.  Positive emotions are the byproduct of your way of thinking about things - past, present and future.  They include optimism, hope, joy, faith, trust, pride and satisfaction among others.  And here is where you have the leverage to create more sustainable and enduring happiness.  

So how do you develop this muscle?  Seligman suggests the ABCDE model of arguing with yourself when you have negative thoughts.  Think of it as a conversation you might have with a friend or when disputing a completely ludicrous accusation.  Next time you have a negative thought, try to apply this method and notice the difference.

A is for adversity.  Describe the negative event.  "Our teenage daughter had a party in our house over the weekend while we were out of town."

B is for belief.  What is your belief about the event?  "She has absolutely no respect for us.  She is headed for even more trouble.  How are we ever going to get control of her behavior?"

C is for Consequences.  Identify the impact or consequences for the event.  "I am furious with her for lying and disappointed in my husband for not managing things better in the past.  And I am overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to discipline a teenager."

D is for disputation.  Disputation is key.  This is where you point out what might be erroneous in your beliefs and consequences.  "Having a party while we are out of town is not a felony.  It doesn't mean she is a bad kid.  In fact, she is doing great in school and hey, didn't I try that trick once or twice on my parents?  I can't say I was 100% truthful with my parents either.  It is pretty normal for a teenager to test the boundaries."

E is for energization (Is that a word?).  Observe the energy that becomes available as you DISPUTE your negative beliefs.  "I am not interested in controlling her behavior.  I am interested in continuing to strengthen our relationship and build it during difficult times.  I also want her to learn to make good decisions, to be safe.  I am going to talk to her to communicate my disappointment and I am going to make sure she doesn't have the opportunity to make the same decision in the near future."

While 50% of your happiness level may be a function of heredity, some 40% is a function of how you think about things and then experience positive or negative emotions.  Why not spend the next week, the next day or the next hour exercising your positive emotion muscle?

Five Steps to Freeing Up Your Energy by Forgiving

In my post on Wednesday I wrote about Four Ways to be Happier - About Your Past. I mentioned the important work of Dr. Everett Worthington on forgiveness and said I would post his proven 5 step method for forgiving and releasing some of the negative events of your past.

Dr. Worthington not only studies the radical act of forgiveness at the University of Virginia Commonwealth.  He has taken his own medicine - forgiving the perpetrators of the brutal murder of his elderly mother in 1996.  You can read his story here.

He refers to the forgiveness process as REACH.

Recall.  Recall the hurt as objectively as you can.  Don't judge the other person by adding labels like "evil" or "bad."  Breathe deeply as you do this.

Empathize.  Try to understand the other person's point of view.  This may not be easy but try to find some plausible explanation for the other's way of thinking that resulted in their hurtful actions.  For example, when people feel threatened or afraid, they may strike out in violence.  Importantly, you are not excusing the other person's behavior.  You are just looking for their point of view.

Altruistic Gift. "A" stands for giving the aaltruistic gift of forgiveness.  Again, this may not be easy.  Think of a time that you may have hurt someone, when you felt guilty and were forgiven.  That forgiveness was a gift.  Now give the gift of forgiveness for the benefit of other person.  It will set YOU free when you can give this gift without holding a grudge.

Commit.  Commit yourself to forgive publicly.  Dr. Worthington has his clients write letters of forgiveness, write in a journal or tell a friend what they have done.

Hold.  Hold on to the forgiveness.  As memories of the hurtful event resurface, which they surely will, hold on to the fact that you have forgiven the person.  Forgiveness does not erase the event and memories do not mean that you are unable to forgive. 

Forgiveness is a powerful choice to change the energy that a hurtful memory carries. Let go of thoughts of vengeance or revenge.  Hold on to the forgiveness.

Photo Courtesy of Spazzo_1493

Four Ways to Be Happier - About Your Past

No, we can't change history.  What's past is past.  But the past doesn't determine our ability to be happy now or in the future.  

See, the only place that the past exists is in our memory.  How we choose to remember the events and stories of our personal histories has a direct impact on how good we feel.  Fortunately, we are free to select and review the files of our memories under any lens that we choose.

I once had a mind bending conversation with my two sisters.  We were driving together to our family cabin in the Sierras comparing childhood stories.  We talked about old boyfriends, leaving home, marriage and having children when the conversation turned to our childhood.  I said something to the affect that I was glad that the tumultous years of our childhood were behind us and that our family could all enjoy being together during this phase of our life.  I spoke about the conflict, fear, and violence in our childhood home and about the relief of having passed through that phase of our lives.

To my complete surprise, my sister Penny who is just one year younger than me, said, "Where did you grow up?"  She went on to explain how she grew up in the most loving and ideal family, how she felt so loved and cared for.  Her childhood was filled with fun and adventure and a tremendous warmth and affection.  To which I replied, "Where did you grow up?  Disneyland?"

Point is, we grew up in the same house with the same parents and the same circumstances.  I tried to pull out selective data to convince her my perspective was correct.  "Don't you remember being afraid to go to sleep at night when mom and dad were fighting?"  Nope.  She didn't remember.  "Don't you remember the great vacation we had in Yosemite?" she replied.

Here is where the opportunity lies to be happier about our past - change they way you choose to remember the events of the past and you change the way you feel about them.  Why not write your personal history in a more positive light?  Here's how:

Be grateful.  All of your past experiences have made you who you are today.  When you dwell in the past, appreciate the events and circumstances that contributed to the richness, texture and depth of your life experience.  

Forgive.  Yes, this is a big one and easier said than done.  Dr. Everett Worthington, author of The Power of Forgiving has a proven 5-step process for forgiveness.  I can't find a good link to it at the moment but will post it here tomorrow.  Forgiveness reduces anger, stress, fear and a whole host of other negative emotions.  It is a gift to both the forgiver and the forgiven and releases you from toxic emotions rooted in yesteryear.

Amplify Positive Memories.  As you pull from the past, choose positive experiences rather than negative ones.  Processing negative experiences may be useful in psychotherapy - I don't know, not my area of expertise.  However, hanging out in your mind with your negative memories will decrease your feelings of well being in the present.  Why not choose the success of completing that triathalon or being accepted to a great college rather than the humliation of wetting your pants in the first grade? (yep, all three are in my memory banks)

Rewrite Your Personal History.  You can actually sit down and write a version of your personal history simply highlighting all of the great events of your past.  Try to stick to some semblance of fact.  If you embellish too much or try to put a positive spin on say a traumatic experience, you will find your mind busy judging and debating the details rather than relishing the positivity of the past.  And you don't have to actually write it down.  We tell our personal stories all the time and they reinforce how we think and feel about our past.  Choose the stories that reflect the the gems rather than the rocks and you will in effect, rewrite history - your history that is.

Photo courtesy of Monica's Dad

How To Fight Fair In Important Relationships

MOST relationships are important for one reason or another.

Maybe you care about someone in an intimate relationship. Your relationships with your parents and your kids are probably important as well as your relationships with friends. And then there are your professional relationships - how you get along with coworkers, vendors, bosses, and other professionals impacts your ability to succeed and how much you enjoy your work - among other things.

Since we don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements.

Disagreements can be highly toxic and damaging to these important relationships, even destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

How to Simplify Making Decisions

Making decisions about things that are really important in our lives can sometimes be overwhelming.  We try to think through all of the possibilities and what ifs and uncertainties to make the uncertain - certain.  But, we just can't know everything there is to know about the future or the implications of every decision.  When faced with big decisions, we might find ourselves cycling through the options over and over in our head as if we could "think" harder about it and the "right" path would be suddenly clear.

AND, if the right path does suddenly appear - terrific. But when it doesn't, here is a really simple process to chunk down those big decisions.  At the heart of the process is figuring out what is most important to you and then organizing your desires into needs, wants, and wishes.  

Get Clear and Get Personal

To make the "right" decision, you need to identify what EXACTLY is important to you.

First make a list of all of the things that are important to you.  For instance, if you were considering job choices, you might list salary, a good boss, security, and interesting work.  Write down all the important things you can think of.

Now, you need to get your list in order of priority.  Do this by comparing the items one at a time.  Ask yourself, if you could have x and not y, which one would you take.  For example, if your career criteria list looked like this:

• salary
• security
• good boss
• interesting work

Begin by asking, if you could have good salary but not security, which would you take?  If you said security, then you would put security above salary.  Next you would compare security to having a good boss.  If you could only have one, which would you take.  If you said security again, then security would stay at the top of your list.  Once you have found the number one item, you would start to compare your second item to the third and the fourth until you have an ordered list.

What's Necessary and What's Nice?

This is a way of sorting what is most important.  Once the list is sorted, decide which things you NEED.  Which ones do you absolutely have to have to meet your needs?  They will be the items at the top of the list.  Next, identify which ones you would LIKE to have but don't necessarily need.  Finally, identify the ones you WISH you could have; they would just be nice not necessary.

Once you have your most important criteria, evaluate your choices according to the most important values that you have identified.  What are the items that are not important and not negotiable?

Do a Gut Check

Finally, check in with your intuition.  What is your gut feel about your choices and opportunities?  If you took no action, what would it be like one, two or five years from now? If you took option A and not B, what would you miss or regret?   What other possibilities might become available?

Trust that your intuition will provide you with the best guidance.  Your subconscious mind is able to process much more than your rational mind.  When you are recycling, over and over in your rational mind, you are probably ignoring some very important feelings and intuitions about your choices OR you haven't identified what is most important to YOU.

*Photo byLaTur

8 Criteria for Creating Even More Happiness in Your Life

 
Photo by outdoorsie
The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance.

~Victor Frankl

I am hard pressed right now to find anyone who is optimistic about the upcoming year except a few Internet marketers who are bombarding my inbox with messages claiming that they are not participating in any recession. 

Fear, dread, and anxiety won't change the economy, the stock market, or energy prices.  They just make you feel crummy no matter what is going on.  Worse yet, they jam your creative mechanisms and point your line of focus straight at problems rather than opportunities.

This is a time to be resourceful and to be resourceful, we need to clear our head of all the things we can't do anything about.  We need to really get that while we don't control our environment or the economy or our teenage son, we DO control our responses to these things.  Attitude and feeling good are a choice.  So why not choose to feel good and fully engage with your life this year, no matter what the circumstances?

 

Yes! You Can

Yes, you can feel better, make yourself happier.  In the best selling book, "Flow. The Psychology of Optimal Experience," psychology professor and researcher Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi outlines the eight principles that are necessary to create happiness.  This is not another pseudo psychology self-help book but rather it is based on a decade's worth of research by the author and his team out of the University of Chicago. 

For you to enjoy yourself and feel happiness, engage in activities or tasks in such a way that at least one if not more of the following criteria are present.

1.  You feel you at least have a chance of completing it.  Notice you don't have to be supremely confident, just feel a possibility of completing it.  Don't choose something that is so easy it doesn't require you to stretch.  Too hard and you'll feel more struggle than satisfaction.

2.  You have the opportunity to concentrate.

3. The task has clear goals.

4.  You receive immediate feedback on your progress so you know whether or not you are on target to reach your goals.

5.  Deeply engage with the activity so that your mind pushes aside day to day worries and frustrations.  This is one reason why physical activities and sports are so effective at producing positive states.

6.  Exercise a sense of control over your actions.

7.  During the activity, your sense of self disappears.  Think back to the last time you saw a terrific movie and became completely engrossed in the story on the screen.

8.  Engage in an activity where your sense of time is altered. 

 

Organize the Chaos

The normal state of our mind is chaos.  Without something to occupy our time and our thoughts, most of us will default to worry or trying to solve a problem.  By engaging in activities that involve challenge, have clear goals and a way of obtaining feedback, we channel the normally chaotic workings of the mind in a constructive direction.  By using concentration and self directed skills, we push aside our worries to become fully engaged and lose all sense of time.  We create in essence a sense of flow, an allowing of a greater experience of happiness.

The really good news is the opportunities for flow are endless. Sports, dance, sex, reading, writing, painting, playing music, eating, building a Lego tower with a child.  Just about any activity can be transformed into a happiness producing experience by consciously employing some or more of these criteria.

 

Friday's Coaching Inquiry: Something to Think About

I've been thinking on this one alot lately myself.

What would you do if you knew, absolutely, that you would not fail?